Disclaimer: Wrote this in a coffee shop while waiting for my ride home; not to mention, I came straight from a very full day of work. Surely you’d understand how this entry came to be. Product of 100% mind and physical exhaustion, with a pinch of self-pity and shamelessness.
Love, I believe, is a very curious thing. Since I started working, I haven’t had the time to really dwell on the idea — as I had for the past couple of years. There just hasn’t been enough time to “fully explore” intrinsic thoughts and feelings regarding l-o-v-e, the technicalities of it no less.
But I have been thinking of Jude a LOT. He still has the same effects on me, in spite the 12,000 mile difference between us. Last night, we were on the phone talking and laughing about random things. Until he started reminiscing about the details of his time in the Philippines. I was, in every sense of the term, quietly bawling (is that possible?) while he was enthusiastically articulating full accounts of piles and piles of fond “Jude and Aix” memories. It is pretty funny when you think of it. The extremely happy and the crybaby on opposite ends of the line!
Have I been seeing other people for fairness’ sake? Not really. But I have been attracted to a few. Just not enough for me to run after them — as present-day versions of “men” apparently enjoy and value being sought after just as much as girls do. At other times, I come off as a walking, talking, and breathing “keep safe distance” sign. Maybe I’m scared letting anyone too near to the point that full disclosure is a must. Required disclosure of everything makes me feel queezy, relationship-wise. We can also factor Jude in my current unavailability but I’m getting the sense that saying “come what may” as justification to the present Jude-and-Aix situation is sounding pretty ridiculous to the brainy. We can’t even place where or what we are at present. Much less know how to keep wanting someone who is literally a world away. IF you can come up with an answer besides “come what may,” ALL props to you. I will.. send you ALL my books (provided that you’re a book addict like me).
It almost feels like the outer shell of what used to be publicly known as “me” has finally fallen off. This is me. Whatever THIS is. So far I’ve been comfortable being on my own and discovering the nitty-gritties of myself, like my being selfish/self-centered/not-so-nice half the time. Before looking out for someone else to be clingy to and find fault on, I figured I might as well begin with myself. Lol. The best thing is that I am appreciating every single second of my now quiet life. Occasional conversations with Jude that stir up emotion-packed reactions remind me of my humanity, capable of something close to feeling something real.
“Everybody knows that you break your neck to keep your chin up.”
– Copeland
