The fourth kind.

I want… Wait. How can I know what I want? What I want lies on the other end of the world. Although I may have so many other “wants” I could want, this unreachable ‘want’ is what I keep thinking of, what drives me to sustain myself until a miracle happens. A miracle that would once again make both ends of this world meet. For a thought of a miracle brings out a sense of hope; and a sense of hope makes the unbearable bearable.

Would it be scary if I tell you you’re with me wherever I go, whatever I do? You have unknowingly rented out the back of my mind. Thinking you are with me every step I take is my sole consolation. We can’t be together, we can’t make promises, and this uncertainty is our only truth. But once in a while, go with me. Go with me somewhere that is ours and ours alone. Go back to those steps, those walks, those beers, and those songs. Remember me and try not to forget the days you spent with me. Until we meet again — if ever we still do.

“We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. The first category longs for the look…. of the public. The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes…. Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of the people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. And finally, there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers.”

– Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being

Wrapping up 2011

This is my last diary entry for the year 2011. Needless to say, I am very happy about this entry that I just had to put it here. Before you go any further into this post, note that I used aliases for the people I had mentioned here. 

Two days.. including this one before the new year 2012. Do you know what that makes me feel? It makes me feel friggin’ EXCITED! If someone were to scan my diary entries in the past year (of course that wouldn’t be available for your perusal ha ha), one would agree with me that it had been a very long year. A lot of downs, and a few very significant highs. What is it (–or what was it) about 2011 that got me flung far away from my comfort zone of “safe” decisions?

I had literally — quite literally — chased what I thought could be “happiness” in every possible way. I was a fearless warrior disguised as a college student. What did I find in the post war silence? Jude and friends. Early on, upon reflecting on this year’s pursuit of happiness, I began to think that maybe my efforts had been nothing but futile attempts. Now as I look back (gaining a clearer vision now), it was all as simple as me needing to learn a couple of things myself. That love cannot be forced to bloom; and that happiness is something I can find within myself.

Jude unconsciously helped rebuild my concept of happiness. He didn’t need me to need him. He simply wanted me to be happy. He was the proponent that opened my eyes to all the other possibilities of joy that surround me day in and day out. Those possibilities I fail to notice because of my self-absorption into sadness. Is Jude my ultimate source of renewed joy? I have asked this time and again. In full confidence, I believe he has become an essential part of it. In the sense that he had equipped me to love every bit of happiness there is to love in the people who care for me. Now I have come to the conclusion that my ultimate source of joy is the one that comes from within that helps me to appreciate life in a whole new level.

For 2012, I am challenged to dismiss all kinds of discomfort I have with the thoughts of Pete. Maybe it will never be possible but it still is worth trying. After talking to a common friend about how he is, I honestly gained a tinge of gumption to hate him — for the first time!  Friends would probably call this a great leap for me. But I couldn’t do it for exerting more effort to harness any human emotion to what we had will not help me accept what I need to fully accept.

So what if it wasn’t love? How is that my business now and in the months to come? Suffice it to say, reading Kundera’s words “She didn’t have room for him in his poetic memory,” was enough supporting principle that men, however foolish they can be when it comes to women, are naturally designed to be capable of one great love for one woman and one alone (every other encounter naturally pales in comparison). So in short, what I had witnessed — at my expense — was nothing more than a manifestation of a man, however twisted his ways can be, being capable of that one great love. And it was no longer my business to interrupt him from fully realizing that himself.

All that sewage and garbage he gave me brought him the gumption to retrieve his  one great love. Coming to think of it, from the very beginning, we were destined to crash and burn. He was in search for love I cannot give in my doubt that he could ever repay it in equal measure or more; and I was in search for happiness he did not own enough of to give away — for his happiness had long been possessed by another, way before I entered his life. Why then did we still have to reach the “crash and burn” part? Because we humans have naturally stubborn asses living out this day-to-day principle of “to see for ourselves is to believe.” Lol.

All this taught me that caution DOES play a role (a very important one) in one’s pursuit of happiness. Not everything out there is genuine and not everything we think is worth fighting for is actually worth it.

So yes, this year had been one crazy ride. The craziest I could ever add to my collection of years. If this year had been a relentless pursuit of happiness (which I believe I have found after some gruesome experience, thanks to Jude), then I am now facing a new year with enough force pushing me forward to go reclaim myself — for myself and for those who have nothing less than the best of interests for me in their hearts. My dear family and friends.

A happy new year to you!