A Trooper’s Mixtape.

You know what I love most about musicians/artists? Half the time, you know they’re always on to something. More than getting the lyrics and notes right to hit millions of hearts, they bring this sense of comfort to every listener that makes one think “Oh, I’m not alone in this. There’s somebody else in this world listening to this same song, feeling the same things I am feeling today.” Basically it’s code for, “Get over it. You’re not the only one going through the same crap.” Ha ha!

So, here I am, sharing with you the top 5 songs that got me through my most recent (if not the biggest) disappointment of my life. I will forever be grateful for these songs, for very obvious reasons listed below.

1) Your Ex Lover is Dead by Stars

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Just to make things clear, I did not want him dead, ok? Ha ha! In fact, my almost daily prayer for him until now is for him to reach his dreams and to be the man God intended him to be. It’s sad, yes. I spent a couple of carefully chosen evenings crying my eyes out when the house had gone quiet. I mourned what we had lost. I mourned what we had become. I mourned the truths he revealed to me after everything. But at the end of it all, my only truth will be this: I gave what I gave. I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over, I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.

2) Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine

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Hurt and regret can be total bitches. They feed on us like a leech and suck out our capacity to see the bigger picture. At the rate I was going, at some point I had to take a step back and tell myself that if I’m not careful and I choose to hold on to the pointless hurt, I will end up ruining the good left in my life. I listened to this song on an almost daily basis for a good two weeks. It was my way of working for my inner peace whenever hurts and regrets tried creeping their way back in. It’s good to be reminded of the fact that it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off (oh whoa!).

3) Three Things by Jason Mraz

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So I pause, I take a breath and bow and I let the chapter end…and I try, try, try, try, try again. To me, closing chapters in our lives requires two things: to forgive and to be hopeful that better things will come our way. Without accomplishing both as we end certain relationships in our lives, we won’t be completely free. By carrying as close to nothing from our past, we will have both hands free to receive what the future has in store for us. So forgive him, I told myself. Forgive him for the man he could not be, as well as myself for falling short of the woman he needed me to be. We need to find our peace in what we can and cannot be, what others can and cannot be, and soon we’ll realise all is actually right with the world.

4) I Lived by One Republic

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When that sun goes down, I hope you raise your cup! This was the time when I started writing my “Get my life back” #YOLO list of things I want to do for myself. Well, simply because this song reminded me that life doesn’t stop at heartbreak.The point isn’t that I was broken. The point is I lived and that the heartbreak should be able to re-boot my life and fine-tune me into someone better. All I needed to do was sit down, re-asses what gumption I had left in me, and come up with a list I promised to work hard on. It started with a hair cut. Now I’m halfway through that list and as I go through each and every to-do’s listed there, I feel more and more like my old self. :)

5) Fight Song by Rachel Platten

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This is where I tell myself, “Aix, you got everything you’ll ever need. You have loving parents and supportive siblings, awesome friends, and fun officemates. You no longer have an excuse, should you choose to regress.” This song reminds me that I am indeed strong for being honest, for being genuine, and for not being afraid to wake up every day like a trooper to do what needs to be done. This is the part where I’m no longer worried about myself, because I’m actually okay, because I know I can only get better and that I still got a lot of fight left in me!

Watch them here:1) My Ex Lover is Dead; 2) Shake it Out; 3) Three Things; 4) I Lived; 5) Fight Song 

Capacities and Fears

 “You insist on trying to walk on your own, doing your own will, guided slowly by your own judgement. And you can see for yourself that the fruit of this is fruitlessness.

My child, if you don’t give up your own judgement, if you are proud, if you devote yourself to ‘your’ apostolate, you will work all night–your whole life will be one long night–and at the end of it, all the dawn will find you with your nets empty.”

-St. Josemaria Escriva, The Forge

Do you know what scares the living daylight out of me at this point in my life? It’s to reach the end of my days with the realisation that I had not lived at all because I was too busy focusing my energies on the I’s: what I want, what I should have gotten, how I should have been treated, how I should have been valued, or how I should have been repaid for my efforts. When in the end, what would matter isn’t what I had gotten out of life. What would matter is how much I had given of myself, how sincere I had been with my efforts to make the world a better place, and how true I had been to the capacities given to me.

The real nightmare is to find myself on a pedestal I created, to be too high up in my own air, I no longer see or understand why I was made in the likeness of my Maker and not in the likeness of wretchedness. What a tragedy it would be to live a life that is blind to the capacities I was bestowed with: humility, faith, hope, love, and charity.

The big 25.

Here comes the big 25. Phew!

To be honest, I am trying not to freak out. For some reason, the number is such a huge jump from 24 just because it signifies a quarter of my life (sure, I’d be the type to live to a hundred). 25 just really demands a higher level of maturity and accomplishment, and quite frankly, I’m not sure I’m already there.

Since I woke up this morning, I feel no different. I’m still very much the carefree woman I know who tries to keep the real worries of life at bay. And I’m wondering how I’m going to get through this day without going berserk on making the “right” life plans just because I turned 25. Just because.

I better hang on to my seat because I don’t think life will be generous enough to slow down from this point.