You have my attention.

Glad I stumbled upon this song today. It cannot be any more perfect to express what it is I’ve been feeling the past couple of months (YES, months lol).

“I’ll sing along the whole day through.

Just do your best to hear me. It’s all you can do.

You have my attention,

like you’ve had all the while,

since that first day when you made my heart smile,

with loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.”

[ C O P E L A N D ]

Thoughts and Shadows: Loosening grip.

I will always remember you, and you will remember me, just as we will remember the evening, the rain on the windows, and all the things we’ll always have because we cannot possess them.

[ B R I D A  C O E L H O ]

I had a dream yesterday. My subconscious playing with me in a not-so-nice way. It was and felt  so real to the point that the moment I opened my eyes, I burst into tears. The dream painted a very clear picture of what I have been dreading the most. And although I have conditioned myself to the possibility of eventually losing someone I’d rather not, I wasn’t able to help myself but feel fear and sadness. The only thing that stopped my bawling was this simple reminder: that nothing of this world is fully in our hands.

It is the one universal rule I try to live up to. Nothing in this world is permanent, and it is pointless to give our all in keeping everything we can within our reach. It was a reminder that my life does not belong to me but to God and He will do as He please with it for me to see, know, and love Him better. In truth,  the rest is up to Him, and the best we mortals can do is to live our lives in ultimate appreciation for every single second we are given the chance to live it. To grab every single opportunity to see Him through the people he sends us, to know Him from the trials we go through, and love Him by giving back every bit of ourselves to Him and the people He loves. Whatever happens, I should always have a grateful heart for what He gives me and ALSO for what He rightfully takes away.

If our paths completely separate soon, remember that you are one of the lighthouses God built for me. Perfectly designed to be there in my darkest hour, feet planted on the ground, unconsciously waiting for me to eventually come your way. When I did get to where He put you, you picked me up and carried me far away from the storm wreck. Without questions or hesitations, you did. You are my lighthouse. But I have always been His and He will take me wherever He plans to put me. You were meant to play a significant role in my life. That counts for a lot.

I love you.

A face to the name.

My nose was killing me last night. For the reason that this is the time of the year it chooses to go full on diva mode in the health department. Teary eyed, I made my way to the kitchen to look for some strong medication that would knock me out. It’s supposed to work — as it always had. But last night was a totally different case. Lol. Let me blame skype and the man who woke up happy. 

This has got to be the longest conversation we’ve had on Skype since he left. It feels like we had so much catching up to do (as it always does), and he was enthusiastic about showing me every single thing he could show me through the peephole for a webcam his laptop had. We talked about school, parties, the things we both got ourselves into, our families, laughed about certain memories, our impending graduation this April and May, and weather differences between my place and his. He’s gonna kill me for this, but what the hell, here’s a shot of him showing me a snowball:

Merely glancing at the shot makes me laugh! I was in awe and amazement when he went downstairs and outside his apartment to show me real snow. The scene outside his apartment was picturesque, like it popped out from some postcard. I’ve always been captivated by such sceneries, though I hold a high appreciation for gazing at it from afar, right where my hands can’t touch the icicles. He knows I have a low tolerance for the cold and I live in the Philippines, go figure how low that is. Lol. Still, I gotta remind myself to thank him again one day for showing me snow (and y’know, for everything else he’s done).

Time zones and poetic memories.

“I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow.” [Audrey Niffenegger]

I am a day ahead and he is a day behind. Our talks happen between my first sip of coffee for the day and his last online check before sleep. I wake up to each new day with the goal to make myself busy and tired enough until bed time. I treat each second, each minute, and each hour of every day as a step closer to seeing him again. Can I be any more ridiculous? Probably. I have never had my feet planted on this unfamiliar ground where time ticks in a steady pace. But here, I unexplicably feel safe and I cannot fathom wanting to be anywhere else. Right here where there is liberty in choosing to be lonely, choosing to be self-sustaining until only God knows when. I am beginning to think that maybe this is my poetic memory talking to me. Have I finally come across someone who could [or already had] made every other encounter in my life pale in comparison to that of ours?

Weekend bliss.

Weekend highlights: Skype with friends from UK, Brunei, and Singapore. International Gossip? Lol. Kayjal couldn’t believe we’d still be able to do such a thing since the 2008 congress. Well technically it wasn’t gossiping when the information came straight from the source, in consequence making the topic of conversation 100% factual. Definitely conclusive. Ha ha.

Tanawat, THE FACE. Lol.

Jude, the birthday boy, just filled me in on how his week went. Was too busy with writing to catch a good enough conversation with him online during the week. Though it was great to hear he got wasted with kegs! Lol. What more can a bday boy ask for anyway? *wink*

Energized and inspired enough, Aix? Another week more. Let’s do this.

C’est L’amour

You tell me you’re coming back. But you don’t want me to wait because, according to you, I deserve to be happy; that, finding someone else is the ultimate joy for anyone, me included. To be honest with you, I’ve already outgrown that kind of search. The search, as I had experienced it, can and will invalidate anything and everything anyone knows about love. And you saved me from all that. Do you remember? You came with perfect timing You held my hand and showed me that the only search there is in life is the search of happiness that comes from within. You showed me by example. By the way you kid around, the way you sang your sentences, the way you treated your friends here, etc. You showed me that the search is not about getting your happiness from another person, but finding enough happiness within yourself so you could freely and fully give a part of it to that someone else. It’s not about feeding off of someone’s stash. It’s earning enough for yourself so you can, eventually, provide and sustain. I saw that in you, and you poured to me your happiness, winking and half-joking, “there’s more where that came from.”

This is the path I’ve been treading and so far, I’ve never been in a better place such as this. I have so much to learn about this place you showed me, so much more to see, and so much more to feel. My search for love has finally shifted its course, which isn’t so bad. Love can and will wait until I’m ready for it again.

 

Wrapping up 2011

This is my last diary entry for the year 2011. Needless to say, I am very happy about this entry that I just had to put it here. Before you go any further into this post, note that I used aliases for the people I had mentioned here. 

Two days.. including this one before the new year 2012. Do you know what that makes me feel? It makes me feel friggin’ EXCITED! If someone were to scan my diary entries in the past year (of course that wouldn’t be available for your perusal ha ha), one would agree with me that it had been a very long year. A lot of downs, and a few very significant highs. What is it (–or what was it) about 2011 that got me flung far away from my comfort zone of “safe” decisions?

I had literally — quite literally — chased what I thought could be “happiness” in every possible way. I was a fearless warrior disguised as a college student. What did I find in the post war silence? Jude and friends. Early on, upon reflecting on this year’s pursuit of happiness, I began to think that maybe my efforts had been nothing but futile attempts. Now as I look back (gaining a clearer vision now), it was all as simple as me needing to learn a couple of things myself. That love cannot be forced to bloom; and that happiness is something I can find within myself.

Jude unconsciously helped rebuild my concept of happiness. He didn’t need me to need him. He simply wanted me to be happy. He was the proponent that opened my eyes to all the other possibilities of joy that surround me day in and day out. Those possibilities I fail to notice because of my self-absorption into sadness. Is Jude my ultimate source of renewed joy? I have asked this time and again. In full confidence, I believe he has become an essential part of it. In the sense that he had equipped me to love every bit of happiness there is to love in the people who care for me. Now I have come to the conclusion that my ultimate source of joy is the one that comes from within that helps me to appreciate life in a whole new level.

For 2012, I am challenged to dismiss all kinds of discomfort I have with the thoughts of Pete. Maybe it will never be possible but it still is worth trying. After talking to a common friend about how he is, I honestly gained a tinge of gumption to hate him — for the first time!  Friends would probably call this a great leap for me. But I couldn’t do it for exerting more effort to harness any human emotion to what we had will not help me accept what I need to fully accept.

So what if it wasn’t love? How is that my business now and in the months to come? Suffice it to say, reading Kundera’s words “She didn’t have room for him in his poetic memory,” was enough supporting principle that men, however foolish they can be when it comes to women, are naturally designed to be capable of one great love for one woman and one alone (every other encounter naturally pales in comparison). So in short, what I had witnessed — at my expense — was nothing more than a manifestation of a man, however twisted his ways can be, being capable of that one great love. And it was no longer my business to interrupt him from fully realizing that himself.

All that sewage and garbage he gave me brought him the gumption to retrieve his  one great love. Coming to think of it, from the very beginning, we were destined to crash and burn. He was in search for love I cannot give in my doubt that he could ever repay it in equal measure or more; and I was in search for happiness he did not own enough of to give away — for his happiness had long been possessed by another, way before I entered his life. Why then did we still have to reach the “crash and burn” part? Because we humans have naturally stubborn asses living out this day-to-day principle of “to see for ourselves is to believe.” Lol.

All this taught me that caution DOES play a role (a very important one) in one’s pursuit of happiness. Not everything out there is genuine and not everything we think is worth fighting for is actually worth it.

So yes, this year had been one crazy ride. The craziest I could ever add to my collection of years. If this year had been a relentless pursuit of happiness (which I believe I have found after some gruesome experience, thanks to Jude), then I am now facing a new year with enough force pushing me forward to go reclaim myself — for myself and for those who have nothing less than the best of interests for me in their hearts. My dear family and friends.

A happy new year to you!